[Adjustments] An Unjust Story

“Adjustments.”



A sting of jealousy pulses its way,
To the tips of my spine,
Sending shivers in waves
Throughout my tangible body.
Her.
And all the glory her outside appearance
Holds.
Though inside I know she is
In pain,
Starving,
And twisted like the rest of us.
DOWNSIDE: She’s beautiful unlike us,
Way unlike me.
Another dose of jealousy,
And the blood in my veins
Is flowing with
Wrath,
Sending explosions through my brain.
She looks up at me,
Her make up always colorful,
And warm,
Smiles
And once more that hurt seethes
Atop my skin.
In the form of spiders,
I scratch and slap.
The don’t go away.
Nothing ever goes away.

I tap my pen on my desk,
Attempting to be too distracted
To think about
How she is better than me.
Tapping.
To shut her out.
Tapping to distract.
ME tapping irritably to
See her react.
Imagining I’m doing a skull splattering drum solo on her head.
And with every tip, tap, tap
And every shick, shack, shack,
She grows weaker.
Weaker and more vulnerable.
Her beauty falls away,
Revealing a horribly ugly creature.
The monster that lurks beneath that perfect skin or hers.
Tear it apart, Monster.
Tear that pretty skin to shreds.
Rip that pretty face to bits.


In my self pity, I wallow.
The creature inside her,
That’s supposed to be ugly.
Is still
Better looking than I.
Desperate for a mouthful of
Security,
I think about her home life,
I ponder.
Vicious parents,
With too much pride.
I laugh as I ponder.
My pondering makes
Me laugh.
Pondering is laughing.
I’m crazy.
But I’m still jealous
Of her.
Even of her pitiful flaws.
My envy to demise.
I go forward,
She leaps back.
I go to him,
He leaps to her.
Kisses to demise.

Her medium, golden hair whipping
Around her face,
As he leans in for a kiss.
A kiss he’s not supposed
To give her,
Or ponder about.
A kiss to her from lips that
Should only kiss me.
He kisses her.
I feel a jolt of pain
Send electric waves
Throughout my body.

Another sting of jealousy
I’m brought to my knees,
At fault for the world.
What have you done?
In destructive pain, I stare.
Those words.
The image.
The lies.
Why?

The hurt burns into my skin,
It stings its way through
Layer
After
Layer of
Skin.
Burning me.
Leaving its mark on me,
It’s etching itself into me.
So I will never forget.
And I won’t.

Her arms around his waist,
His arms holding her close.
She lets her hands wander
Up his body to lock her hands
On his face.
Like I lock my hands
On his face.
And he falls for her,
She’s been falling for him.
I am forgotten in the situation.
There’s no such thing as me.
I am nothing.
Not even loved.
Not by him,
Not anyone.
I was never loved by him.
He was pretending,
And I was believing.

I take a double take and
Hold my breathe.
This isn’t real.
You’re in love with me,
Not her.
I’m the one you want.
“No.”
This isn’t real, I don’t believe it.
My tears pour,
They are all the tears in the world.
I’m crying all of the
Tears in the world

My heart hurts.
It aches with every beat.
My heart thrives…
To be complete.
You hurt my heart
And sometimes I don’t think
That you are very sorry.
You’ll never be sorry.
Not as sorry as I want to make you.
It was all just pretend.
Another teen chapter,
Another dramatic soap opera.
Again my heart is broke.
It’s as cold as death.
I love you,
But not even I
Am so sure.

Jealousy……….
Lust………….
The emotions are frozen beneath
My alabaster skin.
They are sleeting over,
Untouchable,
Undecipherable.
I thrive and reach up to capture,
To decode.
But my mind draws a blank page,
It draws my life.
I don’t love you but
I find myself needing you
And wanting to see your
Face.
My heart is yearning to hold you
Close.
And kiss your smooth, pink lips.
But no, love.
You don’t belong to me.
You belong to someone else.
Who am I to steal you away?
Exactly, no one, my love.
I am no one to.
This can be a secret kept between
Me
And
You.
If that.

I am jealous of her,
You know that.
Ah! Yes! Love, you do not know.
You don’t know.
You couldn’t.
So wrap yourself up in her
And sing her to sleep.
Sleep.
Take her away from her fragile.
Existence.

It still hurts.
Everything hurts.
Everything.
Crying, I’m crying.
Crying because I am
So lost and
No one will ever know.
Crying to let go,
When really I’m just drowning
In my head.
Living under grey skies.

I don’t want to talk right now,
To you.
To anyone because all that will
Be said is sadness.
All that is being said is sadness.
Everywhere I walk I leave
A trail of my gloom behind.
Love me soon!
I’m trapped in sadness.
Today I hate you.
You hate me too or….
At least you don’t love me.
I’m not very stable right now.
And I don’t think that I can talk right now.

You turn to me before you get
Into your car…
And embrace me,
Popping every bone in my spinal column.
I linger there,
In your arms,
Where I feel so safe.
Absorbing you:
The feel of you,
The way you smell,
And they way my arms clasp
So perfectly around your neck.
Don’t go again.
I know you must go, but please
Don’t leave.
These feelings come back to haunt me,
Every time you are around.
They crawl back
To me. Then they feel every stronger
That when they were
First conceived.
But there is no longer
A reassurance,
There is only a burning
Inside of me.
You would have been
So safe here,
Locked on my heart.
I would have loved you
With all of the love in me.
(But now it seems like I do that
Unrequitedly.)

With nothing in return,
You will always be my very best friend,
But it seems that
I must let other feelings go….
I’ll never have you as close as,
I would want you to be to me.
I’ll save you.
I’ll be waiting whenever you need me.
But I’ll never feel the
Inside of your kiss or
Feel your arms around me for
More than a hugs length of time.
It’s sad.
I’m sad.

I’m buried under mountains
And
Mountains of
Sadness.
I’ve been crying oceans
Of tears,
For you.
Not because you’re not here
But because I want you to be.

A sting of jagged jealousy
Scratches at the door,
The skin.
My skin.
My soul.
The glorious say I found you,
Decorated in a beautiful
Cover.
Within a reflection of beauty.
Your laugh flooded through
My ears.
Your embrace sent my heart
Into ripples.
You.
You did that.
It was a sad night,
But you filled it with joy,
You did.
And supposed I fell for you.
Suppose you fell for me.
You encased me.
Lies, pretend, never again.
You were stolen.
I stood, feeling not good enough once more.
I am never good enough for anyone.
No one.
I’m a failure.
Broken, Lost, not really here, I stand.
Just lost in you while you
Were trying to lose me.
You still haven’t lost me,
But you haven’t tried to
Shake me.

I wish you had.
I wish you would,
Because then I would be alive
Inside.
And you’d be forgotten.

I’ll disclose myself from
A heartbreak change.
I don’t want to be selfish.
Don’t want to be insane,
I’m removing myself from
This game.
The paper, the wall.
I set myself up for the greatest fall.
I’m forgotten.
You’re not here.
With this one last lamenting
Kiss,
I pave the way to death.
I’ve never loved you
With my eyes.
I’ve loved you with
Every breath.
Sorrow is my graveyard,
Where the scent of
Death is new.
Where you go through a flamed
Tombstone,
And more flames arise in you.
I look for joy,
I notice them,
Turn away and forget them.
Loving you may be in vain,
But at least I love you.
I’m forgotten.
Lost and forgotten,
Like a little girl lost in the
Grocery store.
No one will love me.
Will no one have me?
Will you ever forgive me?
Your eyes,
Your hair,
The smell of your skins,
It brings back ghosts of my past….
Our past…..
What once was but,
Never had the chance to be.
You wouldn’t have me
And now….
I’m forgotten.

I can be fake.
I can act like nothing
Is wrong.
Its
Easy.
If I just laugh and
Talk really loud.
I’ll be just fine and
No one will notice.
Then you will be just fine.
Then nothing is
Wrong and all is well,
If I am sad and you can’t tell.
I’ll be just fine,
Pretending I’m fine.
I’ll wallow up inside myself
And incinerate.
Watch the ashes blow away.
Playing tag with the wind,
Joining all the ghosts
In the world.
I can be fake.
Just watch all that I can take.
Watch me fall apart……

I don’t want to watch your
Body
Crumple or witness
Your heart in pieces.
I’ll try to save you.
If you’ll let me.
He doesn’t care for you.
He’s just a friend.
But someone cares for you.
You know this.
Don’t let him slip away.
Don’t
Let
Him
Go,
Malicious.

Your mind never stays
At ease.
You could be thinking about Rainbows,
Unicorns,
Or blue and pink cotton candy.
Then suddenly the rainbow turns black,
The unicorn turns
Into a vicious beast and that once
Yummy cotton candy turns
Into acid.
Burning holes in your mind,
Burning holes in your throat.
In my mind,
The wheels keep turning
As I attempt to unload my
Overflowing brain.
Thoughts are cracking holes in
My skull.
Bringing up the depression
That
H
I
D
E
S
In me.

But it is clearly visible
In most situations.
Never seen by you.
I hide it so well, don’t I?

I see you,
Walking towards us.
Jumping on someone by us.
You greet us.
My heart races,
My blood flows faster.
Jealousy stinging.
I walk on.
My heart in the wrong place.
But then you start to
Leave.
I hug you.
I never want to let
You go.
Never.
I wanted to stay so
Safe and warm in
Your scarred arms.
I want to stay here,
Right where I do not
Belong.

I never wanted it
To be
Like this.
Stuck inside my head
There’s no way out.
I don’t like It when
There is no way out.
Stuck inside this sadness
That to me,
Seems absolute eternal.
It’s never ending.
Oh, please stop hurting me.
Stop kissing her.
Please stop loving her.
Please.
Stop wanting her.
Please.
Just come back tome.
I’m bleeding because your
Words are like knives.

Knives.

Ripping through my body,
Piercing through my thoughts.
Slicing open precious memories.
Hurting is filing itself in
Rows of twelve
On my arms.
All over me.
Baby, bring me back in line.

Darling, rip through me.
Send your best shots at
My heart.
Let them fly at my face,
Let them twist through my body.

I fall to the linoleum floor,
My body twisted in agony.
Twisted in wire.
I don’t want to be stuck in my head
Because
That would mean I’m far away
From you,
From anyone.
In my head I have an All Insanity and
Pain association.
My skull is filled to the brim
With pain.
My arms ache,
Splitting head ache,
I’m going insane.
Insane.


Writhing, turning,
Twisting pain.
Yearning, burning
Eternal pain.
Trapped, stuck,
Confined in here.
I’m stuck………
Can’t breathe.
Eternally.
Fully.
Blissfully.
Hell.
Shhh.
Quiet.
Don’t.
Tell.
Shhhhh.


This horrid figure,
That makes up me,
Is just a broken,
Still life,
Still glass.
Statue like.
This horrid figure,
A little girls ugly Barbie doll.
(Ugly rag doll)
It’s me.
Not helpful.
Not loving.
Just cold, stale,
Overly dramatic being.
ME.
Just horrible,
Liar,
Ugly,
Thief,
Me.

I want to run.
I want to run farther than
My legs could ever carry me.
Run farther than the Heavens,
Run deeper than the Hells.
Just run.
I want to run.
[Then go.]

I can’t.
[Yes, you can.]
Hurry, go before you change your
Pitiful, diseased mind.
Run away, never come back.
You don’t want to see
Them together.
Or hear their happiness.
This life is making me die,
The people are stressing me,
Pushing me over the edge.
One more nudge and I’m gone,
Forever.
No more me.
[Oh, thank God.]
Please stop being sad.
Please let me help you.
Please, it’s making me crazy
The silence I hold.
The silence you hold.
How do you think I feel?
I’m too busy messing with
Peoples problems,
I get wrapped up in helping you
And him and
Her and them
That I forget my problems.
Then when I am alone
And no one is there to
Help me I
Crumple to my knees.
I die inside myself.
But I guess it’s my fault
Because I don’t tell
Anyone.

I cried myself to sleep last night,
No one even knew.
Did anyone even care?
[No.]
No one ever asks,
But I never tell.
I am trapped inside myself and
No one knows it but me.
I let myself fall.
It’s not entirely my fault
Because
People around me have let me down.
You don’t know what’s
Wrong with me.
To explain it, would
Be too much.
But it’s okay.
I’ll just sit here and
Hurt myself,
No one will know.
NO ONE.
I’d have to say,
There is really no point
In me sticking around here.
I am not needed and
Unappreciated.
COMPLETELY.
I hate it here and I think I
Hate you too.


I don’t think it’s
Ever hurt this much.
Heartbreak, I mean.
The pain, it’s like it’s grown
Stronger than me.
And now it’s overtaking,
Overpowering me.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God it hurts so bad.
Please fix me,
All you did was
Stop
The
Bleeding.
Except you made the
Blood pour again
With your words,
Your words like knives.
They cut right through
My thin husk and
Split to the core of me.
There’s no more of me.
No more me.
Now everyone can be happy.
Be happy.

.Queen Alyss.
2.25.08