For[got]t[him]en

I may not have been completely forgotten,

But I don’t lie close to your heart.

Not anymore.

You pushed me to the darkest parts of your head

And left me there.

To rot away.

No sunlight for days.

(If any, at all.)

There, I linger.

Hopelessly awaiting your response.

Though I know it will never come.

(Ever again.)

 

I know I’m not forgotten,

But I’m still invisible.

Out of the sight of your mind’s eye.

It’s heart wrenching.

Being beaten a quarter away from death

Would feel better than this feeling.

But oh, how you left me with too much feeling.

Everything stings.

(Alcohol to a deep gash.)

My words are dust in the wind.

My existence is the past.

What a lush existence it is now.

 

If the fire ever stops burning me,

I won’t make it out alive.

I count on it too much

To help me feel what’s inside.

Without the feelings of you once here,

My meaning would cease to exist.

I have nothing to remember you by.

Just memories on my lips.

 

 

.Queen Alyss.

.9.9.12.

 

 

 

 

[Savior For the Night]

“Savior for the Night.”

I can’t contain my excitement for the drive I will be taking in a few hours. The Used. The Used Live. My skin looks like it rippling and my words are stuttered. Now that’s some extreme excitement. I won’t even mention what my brain waves would look like if they were displayed on a ECG. So what I’m going alone? Damn losers have no idea what they are missing. I walk down to the Short Stop, which is right by my house to buy some scratcher tickets and a Dr. pepper. I am feeling exceptionally lucky today. I pay the old house wife at the counter for my tickets and walk home. The tickets are burning holes in my pocket as I think about the luck I may have. I scratch away and reveal three lemons. At first, I am sad because lemons usually don’t mean squat. Ah, but today they do. I match up my winnings and it turns out I win five hundred dollars. I jump around my room, turn up the radio real loud and dance to “Beating Heart Baby” by Head Automatica. Can this day get ANY better? Yes, yes it can! Before I can leave on my trip to see The Used, I have this odd feeling that I will need a bikini. Every happy girl needs a bikini and besides I’ll probably be sweating a lot surrounded by hundreds of people at the concert. I drive down to the bikini shop known as Beachcombers. When I walk in, I spot one that I want almost immediately. The overall color is black (I’m such a damn sucker for that color, I mean shade. Whatever.), but the edges are tinged with red lace. It’s cute. It will do.

 Before I know it, I am driving to my destination with a pocket full of cash to blow and a new bikini. The drive seems really long but thanks to music I sing away the time the whole way there. Sometimes it’s peaceful to be alone. Just the music, the wind and myself. When I finally arrive, I decide to rent out a hotel. I discover that there is a huge water park right next to my hotel and the venue is just a few blocks down the road. From the looks of the water park it looks like a whole bunch of kids my age have already claimed it. I see various flavors of beer cans and fruity alcoholic beverages scattered all over the ice chests. Drinking and Swimming, now that sounds like a good idea. Goddamn, America you never disappoint. My psychic predictions of needing a sexy bikini definitely benefited me this time. I check in and carry my stuff up to my room. The room is beautifully decorated with crème colored walls, then you look at the décor and you can just tell Kirkland’s barfed all over the place. Smiling, I change into my bikini and some jeans. I stare at the king sized bed for a second, and give in. Smiling, I nod out until the concert.

            When I wake up I have an hour until the concert starts. I decide that my bikini and jeans are appropriate attire to wear. I leave the hotel and start walking to my destination. The wind plays in my hair bouncing the ends up and down off my shoulders. It feels so nice. For once, I feel free. As I get closer, I see crowds of people piled in front of the doors and just as I get even closer the doors open and everyone shuffles in. Let the fun begin. As I walk in, I see Bert McCracken, the lead singer for The Used, amping up the crowd like a madman. Fuck Yes. There are a lot of empty seats in the venue. Personally, I think seats should be nonexistent at a concert; everyone should be forced to mosh and stand. In that order. I scan my environment. Upon my scanning the crowd, I see a familiar face, a usually far away friend, who is only ten feet from me! Sir Jestro. What the Fuck. Tall, dressed in a black NIN t-shirt and jeans. Only he would wear that shirt to a concert where The Used is playing. His messy brown hair hangs over his eyes. It makes him look shrouded in shadows. I don’t even wait for him to notice me. Because he won’t. He is not expecting me. Fuck, I wasn’t expecting him. To my dismay and utter happiness, my legs run full force towards him, without my saying yes. I jump and open my arms surrounding him with myself. He sways sideways from my unexpected hug, “Whoa, what the fuck!” He says. I let go and move back so he can see who I am. “Holy shit, I didn’t expect to see you here.” I smile at him. He smiles back. I ask if I can hang around him for the concert and just as he opens his mouth to answer…the crowd screams for their music. Their voices rising above the earth’s atmosphere. I know this crowd could be heard on the fucking moon.

            All night I am crowded and drowned by the ocean of people. Coming in and out of fresh air. Light headed. Hot. Sweaty. Laughing. Screaming my lungs out. Screaming the words on silver ribbons of release. The music pulling me in and out. In. And. Out. Music is my life. Without it I would be empty of all sound, of all feeling and empty of fucking life. The music is blaring in my ears. If they bleed out, I will scream the words even louder. And it’s totally fucking cool with me. I dance, dance, dance until I feel like my lungs are going to give out. I hold onto Sir Jestro when I feel like I am going to float away, and surprisingly he’s okay with it. The concert comes to an end with my favorite soft song “Empty with You”. As it begins to play Sir Jestro slips his hand around my waist and grabs my other hand in his own. “I haven’t lost anything except my mind. Expect a thousand confessions that you will not find”. He leans down to me ear and whispers “Now I command you to dance with me.” I look up into his eyes and I see a ghostly grin spread across his lips. Smiling back, I listen to my command. “You could be empty and I could be right here empty with you”. He spins me around to the beat of the music. Holding me close, never once letting go. Only to spin me more. Like a teacup he’s stirring me with his finger.In. and. Out. The music breathes into us, and releases. “Or you could be hollow and I could be right here hollow with you”. A thousand people surround us, yet in our eyes it feels like just us. He slows as the songs comings to an end. His breathe heavy on my neck as he pulls me to him for one last caress. “If you want to say goodbye to everything I could say goodbye to. I can be right here empty with you”. I smile as he pulls away and becomes another in the crowd. “I can be right here empty with you”.

.Alyss.

[Chapped]

"Chapped"

I walk through the door way,

My eyes tracing your lips,

Outlining your heart.

Your face, your blue eyes shimmer.

They shimmer like diamonds

And fall on her.

Away from me.

Don’t forget me.

Your eyes are vacant,

I am not in them anymore.

I’m not breathing at all.

My wax heart melts away

And seeps to the fading floor.

It dries and blows away with

The wind.

Heartless.

Road kill.

If I could take you somewhere,

I’d take you to the dark,

My heart.

And show you my love,

My dying love for you,

To you.

I gave up my happiness

To save you from your sorrow.

Your face hangs in my picture

Frames.

Now she’s starting to love you more,

It’s so wrong.

Just wait.

Now I wait,

In the cold,

In the dead.

I wait,

In the worst way for so long,

It’s so wrong…

So wrong.

.Alyss.

.3.7.08.

.A Maze of My Writing.[A Blog]

Dear...whoever is reading,

It seems that my writing is beginning to come back to me. In small forms, not giant worlds like it used to, but still it is coming back and I feel renewed. How I've missed writing, my one and only true natural passion. The others are developed. I have thousands of poems and stories already that I need to get into the computer, for they are all written on the good old fashioned paper. That can be very time consuming in itself, so I am trying to re-edit old poems, post, write new material, post, outline stories, and do character analysis' all at once. Which I am going to stop, right NOW. The old material, I owe it to first so that they can be renewed and have their chance to be loved. At the same time, though I will be writing something new everyday, whether it be one piece of work or five. This is my plan and this is what I must do until I have all my works handy on a hard drive.

See what I must do? There's in the least 3,500 pieces of my work here. That orange envelope is filled with hundreds of single pieces of paper with my works on them. I have drawings, too. As you can see I have my hands full, which I don't mind, but it would be so much better if I already had all this on hand and organized. So if you're in for my ride, I hope you're in. And if you aren't in for it, feel free to step on this moving rollercoaster.

.Alyss.

[Beast]

“Beast.”

My beautiful creature of darkness,

Why can’t you crawl back under your rock?

I never meant to show you a world

Where hurt plagues your every move,

Your every heart beat.

You beast, just leave.

Go find red riding hood,

Or your Beauty.

Because I am not it.

I am not it.

I am like poison berries to you.

Sweet to the tooth,

So poisonous to the body,

To the soul.

Beautiful creature of darkness,

Please do not wander off too far.

A piece of me needs you and

Doesn’t want you gone.

Just leave you beast!

What are you still doing here?

Can’t you see I am just trouble?

Couldn’t you just see it from the start?

Didn’t you feel it when

I cracked that beastly heart.

That precious, soft heart.

Don’t cry.

Oh please do not weep.

I’m sorry, creature.

I cannot keep…

You.

I am not your red hiding hood or,

Cinderella.

Or sleeping beauty,

Or snow white

Or your Beauty.

Beautiful creature,

Tell the future.

Make the future.

Banish me.

Just run for your life.

[Girl Creature]

“Girl, Creature.”

This girl.

Ugly, tainted, putrid.

She must die.

Fly up out into space,

Break through the hemispheres

And fly.

Rip apart your skin,

Peel off your muscles and

Morph into that evil creature.

You ugly girl.

You must die.

Let your capillaries bust open,

You bleeding creature.

Go to hell in your ectothermic skin,

Copy your surroundings and

Burst into flames.

You know you must die,

You bleeding girl.

Tonight the blade won’t save you,

The stars will only hate you.

Just jump off the moon and spiral

Into your impending doom.

Dear Creator,

You know she must die.

That filthy being cannot live

Inside.

Hit her.

Chuck to the brain.

Bash her brains out.

Bask that ugly girls guts about.

Insane.

Break through the glass globe

That surrounds this animal and

Aim.

Shoot.

Creator, shoot.

Girl, die.

I know I must fade.

I know this should die.

.Alyss.

[Here's The Directions]

“Here’s the directions.”

Off the coast of Death,

Turn right on Hell Boulevard.

You’ll find me.

My body lies dried,

Salty,

Dead.

I drown my way to life.

Only dead to the world.

I’m waiting for someone to

Come pick my tattered body

Off the ground

And bring me back to life.

The directions are here,

The directions that you

Need to find my bloodied,

Murdered body:

Drive down the freeway

At speeds of infinite.

On the wrong side of the rode,

Crash into a semi- truck.

Then ignore the light,

Drive straight through purgatory.

Make a left on Dead Beats drive.

Take that road to Death Dakota.

Follow the coast of Death,

Then make a right on Hell Boulevard.

It’s easy to find me,

You just have to be willing.

I tried to get into Heaven,

But I bothered God

With my cries so he cast me

Here.

Wherever this place is that

 Has directions.

Not really sure where it is.

I just know that

I’m here for sad reasons and

That no one wants me,

Or cares to

Find me.

I’m dead,

So dead.

My body is just dust and

Debris now.

Nothing more.

I have no heart,

Not anymore.

I have no life.

Not anymore.

I have no love.

Never had the chance.

So it’s a right on Hell Boulevard,

Maybe you’ll come get me.

.Alyss.

[I Can Write A Happy Poem]

“I can write a happy poem.”

You run through the forest.

Following the light.

The beauty of fairies aloft.

The taste of pixie dust and sweet cakes.

You follow them with all your heart

And mind.

Your childlike beauty,

Your innocence,

Chasing your dreams.

Glowering with passing time.

You run through fields of innocence,

Your heart completely alive.

And there you dream

Amongst the flowers

And fairies.

Safe in your childlike mind.

Safe from any corruption.

Run, young child.

Chase your dreams and never let up

On hope.

Never let anyone steal your happiness.

Hold it to your soul and

Keep your dreams alive.

Live. Love. Laugh. Inspire.

Let your youth survive.

You’ve got everything you need

To be special.

No twists or turns

Or ups and downs will let you fall

If you just believe in yourself.

Exercise your mind through

These fields of childhood

And let your imagination run wild

Like a stallion in the green of day

Under the bluest of skies.

Let your mind take you places

You have never been.

Let your mind explore places

You have never seen.

Now it’s time to sleep, young one.

Rest that peaceful mind.

Explore your dreams,

And keep your head up high.

Got that?

Always keep your eyes to the sky.

Keep your eyes on the stars.

Don’t look down.

Never look down.

Look always to heaven’s arms.

Live for your dreams,

As they live for you,

With you.

Now sleep.

Tomorrow is a brand new, beautiful day

And you have all the opportunities in the world.

Just follow the fairies.

Follow your imagination.

This poem is for you, youngling.

Hold it to your heart.

And listen to it.

.Alyss.

Itsy Bitsy Bikini, me?

So on April 3, 2010, this very day at 8:32 pm marked a dark day for me two years ago. I was left for someone else. It's over and everything is okay now but....still, it hurts. Today, April 3, 2012 I made a huge step in my life and purchased the hcg diet. It will be a VLCD I am doing for 43 days. i am supposed to lose around 40- 60 pounds on it. I am happy about this. Maybe this summer, for the first time ever, I will be able to wear a bikini and not care if people stare at me. I think i will be fairly thin at the end of this diet. That also makes me happy. if I am smaller I will be happier and be able to fit into smaller clothes. Perhaps I will be thinner than I was in high school. Anyway, I had to tell someone. I will be blogging the whole time about it and how I feel. I will need to keep busy since I'll only be eating 500 calories a day and drinking green tea or water! I have also decided to take this summer off school because if I do another class I will explode and then we'll have a huge bloddy mess to clean up.
Also, I have been heavily thinking about tattoos lately. If I had it my way I'd already have some awesome tattoos. for instance..


These two are ones I really want. Also I need a tattoo dedicated to Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter. I don't know...I just want to be a better me. I just want to be happy.

Dear _______,

I suppose now would be a great time to admit "season's change." I hate that analogy beyond belief, but it proved to be true. I miss you more than I can even muster to say. Years ago, I would have spoken my missing out loud, embraced you, never would have let go. Today, a different story plays. I sit in the darkest parts of the room and play the memories out in my head as they come. I try to paint out my feelings, doesn't help. I try to write my feelings; maybe make up a new story to distract me from the ones I have yet to finish, that we have yet to finish to. Sometimes it's really hard to ignore my feelings I feel. I hate emotions. They are leases on me; like chains there to weigh me down. I don't know how to feel sometimes. I feel trapped. Like no one will listen to what I say. Really listen, and care. I am utterly depressed at the moment. I plan on drinking tonight to numb it. I just need to feel okay for a few hours, I feel like I'm ripping at the seams. There was a time when I thought no one would forget me, but now I see I'm as forgotten as the next girl; as the next ANYBODY. I feel sick. I feel used. I feel disgusting. Most of the time I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel out of place. See...all this FEELING. I don't want to feel. That's all I ever do is feel. Be numb, just for a second. For a second, not give a shit about anyone or anything in the world. distracted, this is me. I am who I am and that will never change. These things, I think and wish. Dear ________, I hate the place you've left me in. The darkness you left me in. I couldn't forgive you easily. It's a joke. Here I stand, in the dark corner of your life. Broken toy.

"I still hang on every word in the world of faded memories where you're still in love with me.
I can see it in your eyes"

.Alyss.

Sir Jestro!

I feel like writing something sexy inspired by Sir Jestro! He is UH-MAY-ZING! I have two favorite writers. Sir Jestro and Hyde.

.Alyss.

Humanoid

Mountain-like glaciers surround me,

Their ice, encasing.

Yet still the flowers bloom from them.

Making a sunset of colors,

Transparent through me.

Shining through me,

Making me a humanoid rainbow.

I see miracles drawn into the sky,

And tears of happiness replenish the earth.

An earth that was once warm, and sunny.

I can see heaven from where I am standing,

But I am cold and it is distant.

Maybe, if I think of memories that make me warm,

I can melt the glaciers and take

My place in the proverbial sun.

Melting me.

Melting the flowers.

If sunsets were fire,

This humanoid rainbow would fly.

.Alyss.

2.7.12

:[

You know what makes me really sad? That no one reads these....
or even knows they exist.
Or even know I exist.
I am invisible.

.Alyss.

I'm gonna just put this here.

I am going to get a little crazy right now because my brim...yeah, it's well spilled over and all over the fucking floor and all over my fucking life. I am so done with school. NO. NOT EVEN DONE WITH SCHOOL, JUST...done being human. Human life is so boring. Our anatomical structure is absolutely breathtaking, but we can't defy gravity, we can become invisible, and we can't fucking teleport. Now someone tell me what the FUCK is up with that shit?! I'll tell you what we can do though: kill unborn children, make war, and fight. Now that's some lameass shit right there. So I know in my heart I won't give up school, but I need some extended break or something. I mean....if I was going to art school or taking creative writing classes....now I would stay in school forever and never complain. Because those are my passions. Yet here I am trying to become a nurse so I can help people who don't deserve it, people who think I owe it to them, people who are sick in the head...just people...People, people, people....such vial, evil creatures, yet to capable of doing good and great things. I am busting my ass so I can help people like that, WHY? Because I am a fucking nurturer, a healer AND because the medical field is the one of few thriving fields with this shit economy. But really, in my world.....I would lie by a beautiful creek in Oregon surrounded by woods and long pastures...and I would just read my books all day, trapped in that world. I would paint all day and write. I know ONLY in a perfect world, right? Right. You know, sometimes I wonder if I will ever become a published author...I'm truly scared to just go for it and put my work out there because I don't want to hear people say it's sad, or dark, or morbid: THAT'S WHY MY STYLE. But let me tell you, I've read some fucking up and disturbing books and I loved them because they were great read. American Psycho. House of Leaves. Haunted. Glamourama. Perfume. All of those books are disturbing as fuck and I had nightmares for a weeks after I read them, but hell it was fun!You're probably wondering what the point of all this blogSPATTER is. Well, it's just me. It's just normal everyday things I think about put into an internet blog and I love every second of it. What am I trying to say? What point am I posing? No one reads my stuff, I know. So I guess I am talking to myself.


.QueenAlyss.

Life at the moment.

It's funny because I will think myself in circles until nothing makes sense. Look at me...I'm up this late drowning myself in music...What else is there to do? What will get this brain to just shut the fuck up? Sometimes I wish I was different, but then I wouldn't be me. I don't know why I wish that, but on the other hand I don't really know what's so special about being me. It's simple. When I am home I am mother and a wife. When I am at work I am the nurse's absolute assistant, providing care to all my patients. When I am at school I am a student, ready with an eager mind; reaching for stability. But when I am alone...and it's just me, like now. Who am I? I don't even know anymore. I have been consumed with my human roles to lead a normal life. I am not me, I am someone reaching for a better me. I am just going to be honest with you, my brain right now....well, nothing makes sense to it except music. MUSIC. Oh music is my savior. All the music I listen to...it's like I have a song for ever feeling. And when I am listening to the music it i feel okay, i feel free. The world isn't so cruel when your heartstrings stretch to a song that just sounds like sex to your ears. hahah, funny way to describe it. Like it feels like my heart sing those songs. Music is outlet, I guess. It's beautiful. It changes people, it brings people together. You know what I say when you've had a shitty day, just blast ALL the songs you want to listen to and just lose yourself in the music. It might help, it may not. Helps me sometimes.

I think I've jumped around and randomly typed enough. I just mean I don't want to lose myself, and sometimes I think i'm slipping away. the end.


.QueenAlyss.

Quote-unquote friends

So somewhere along the way I lost my faith in people around me, these people are usually called friends. I understand that not all people have the friend quality within them and everyone has had a falling out with a friend, but most people like that I know....at least have a good solid friend who has fought through everything with them and they still remain the best of friends. I do not have a person like that. It's like every time I get close to someone...they move away, leave or just straight up leave their knife in my back. The last three friends that i had faith in ALL moved away, the third one...well I am just waiting for her to go to college. She's a awesome person and I love her....but unfortunately I know that she will not have time for something like this especially when she is starting college at a big university. She says she won't forget me, she won't let the calls and texts and letters die down...but sadly, I have heard that before and that just hurts. I guess i wasn't meant to have a best friend...or someone I can confide in in such a special way. I have already accepted this. I have already stopped looking for this person. The replacement for this pain have been turned into reading a million books at the speed of money burning a hole in my pocket. I think this is a part of life though...growing up with people then out of high school you see everyone start to have kids, get married, move away to college, start a family...it's the way life works. I just never thought I would be so alone in all this. I put my heart in many "friends" hands and I think the break of a friendship hurts worse then a breakup between a boyfriend/girlfriend. You're just on completely different level with people when you're their friend. I don't know if there is something that I do, or if it's just me that makes these friends want to go. I have felt disposable to a lot of people. Like I feel like I was never worth keeping because maybe I just didn't shine enough to them. I don't know the reason, but I'm still left all alone with knifes in my back. That's how I feel and no awesome princess friend has got off her damn horse to show me otherwise.

Parkour

So I have recently become very interested in the idea of pursuing parkour. Of course I know the dedication and time it will take to even get remotely good, but I really want that. To be able to free run and do amazing moves in the air, flips off objects, scale walls...the idea make me so happy. I know I can't just jump into it. I have to exercise and become more familiar with my body, that's the first step. I've never liked my body, I have always hated it. I wonder if I will ever love my body, who knows? All i know is that I see a goal, a beautiful thing in front of me and I am going for it.
Sometimes I don't believe I am living in this world. Yes, my body is here, but it's like I live in a different reality. Everything is just so chaotic and crazy, I suppose I retreat. I miss writing so much. I just want to take one day to just spend with my poems, and another day to go to the beach and paint. Not scenary's or anything. stuff that I draw. I love sitting on the swings at Rotary Park, they are so close to the water that when I swing high enough it feels as if I am flying over the water and that's the closest I get to flying without a pilot's license. I feel lost.

.Queen Alyss.

Just forget about, anything I say about it.

I am literally being driven crazy by lack of output. I sit here, in front of the computer, ready to write(I know what I want to write), ready to draw( I've got my ideas set), yet NOTHING even trickles to the surface. Pathetic, I'd say. How will I ever become this important writer, or just person in general if I cannot even do my passion thing without being stopped by these "blocks?" If you would even call it a block. I'm not blocked, I'm like...creativity constipated. That's it! I'm creativity constipated, perhaps I waited to long to let it all out. But still, I'm pissed at my fingers, mouth and brain for not working together properly.
So I am almost positive that I have no friends. Spouses do not count. I have been talking to Sir Jestro lately, but alas he has his own life and doesn't need me bugging him all the time just because I don't have friends. I thought I had found best friend, but she proved to me that she nothing more than all the other "friends" that left me. Seriously, like everyone I get involved in always leaves me or moves away. I know, it's a part of life, but it sucks. I'd like to have one friend, that I could call my own. My first best friend was Baby Dubay. My first musically inclined and obsessed friend. We went to Warped Tour '07 and wrecked shit. We got thrown on top of the crowd, saw IAG on the tiny Hot Topic stage before they were huge, we were even asked by some randon dude if he could kiss our feet because he kisses the feet of pretty girls, apparently, so we let him:] I lost her to high school too...or maybe it was drugs. Probably both. I really miss Megan, she was an awesome friend. We'd write poems and stories together, she'd draw me awesome pictures, we'd laugh. I remember going into the bathrooms in high school before lunch just to hair spray the living shit out of our hair, because we we're friends and damnit we liked big hair. But...her family was in my opinion "religiously insane," just like my sister-in-law and her husband. Jehovah's Witness. Whatever then, more power to them. I told Megan on her 18th birthday I'd save her from her family, and i really was planning on it, but as it got closer to her birthday the more she shrugged the idea off..and then she was just. I never trusted another woman until Alex came around. Alex has the grace of a thousand Russian ballet dancers, and Alex is so beautiful. It always intimidated me being around her. To this day, we are still on good terms, but she moved away to Vegas, and found a great man...she's living her beautiful life and I am okay with that. I really shouldn't be so selfish, wanting attention from someone like that. It's stupid of me..
Is this enough of my friendless ranting? Maybe it's me? Maybe I wasn't meant to have a special friend...maybe I already threw away my opportunity...or maybe, this is karma. Who knows?




.Alyss.

Live Hard.

Sometimes I wonder who I am. Does that make sense? Because who I "am" doesn't fit with who I "am" up there. Does that make sense? Like, maybe I was someone else in another life, or I just haven't figured myself out yet. But by the age of 20 you should know who you are, I think. If maybe perhaps, I was someone else in another life, maybe that life is still with me and I just don't know it. Does this make sense? Does any of it make sense? I should probably just stop trying to make sense of everything. If this was my world, people would kill themselves over trying to make sense of things, because nothing would make sense...and it'd be perfect.
I guess I am acting to wack because I am having a writer's block, really bad. And an artist's block. I can tell when I just need to write something or draw something and I have that overwhelming feeling that I need to write or draw something, but nothing comes out. I have so many ideas floating around in my head that all I need to do is grab it and mold.
Just mold it.
Does that makes sense? To just grab something out of thin air and mold it into your image.
Makes sense to me. I might destroy something beautiful just to let the creativity flow.

Okay, I am going to create something, right now. I'm going to do it. Right now.

Let's Spiral, shall we?

Nothing makes sense to me.
Nothing AT ALL.
The world is a vicious cycle.


Erg.

End of ze world! 2012.

I never thought I would get to live to see 2012. After all, the only way to define 2012 years ago of, the end of the world! Well, if it is the end of the world on whatever day this year, I want to stand on top and watch it fall. I'm ready to go when it is time, but until then...I am really excited about all the new music I will get to hear this year. I love music. It's like another way to speak for me. And not to mention all of the things that I can accomplish this year. 2011 was fun. I lived in my first rental home, and moved into my second home. I became a Nursing Assistant(Now, I never thought I'd reach a goal like that, but I did.) I got married. I lost my job for the first time. I got to watch my son, Mason learn new things. I got an entire year and a half of school done in one year because I busted my ass. In 2011, I also learned the true meaning of "adult stress." Juggling four classes, full-time mom, full-time job(extremely hard and labourous job working in a convelescent home. On the other hand, I can successfully bench press old people.) The only thing I did was really sleep and dream..or nightmare. In 2011, I also lost myself in the midst of this crazy "normal human life" that I must pursure to last in this extremely human world. There's gotta be something more, right? I think that we are living within a dimension within other dimensions. Come one, out human eye can't see everything! Anyway, I experienced some pretty intense psychological stress...but I got through it. It's been really tough trying to pursure my goal of becoming a Nurse. I love school. I love to learn, to flousih. I have given and will continue to give an immense amount of studying to pursue these goals. I wish to become the smartest that I absolutely can be. Right now I am just the Jack of all trades, but a master of none. In 2011, I discovered something new about myself though and that is...that I don't give up. at anything. I finished everything I said I would this year, I pushed through the tough spots without hesitation. I have determination, and that makes me happy because I didn't know mine was so strong until I looked back and saw for myself.
I hope that I can accomplish even more in 2012 than what I did in 2011. 2011 was kind of like placing the stepping stones for me. I have paved my way to success, yes, I did that. And I will still pave it. No one will stand in my way. I will not be walked on. After all, we are all only flesh and blood. We have big mouths for being so easy to kill, I think. I am excited to see what is going to happen in 2012. I can't help but wonder if the Mayan's were right. Wondering and Curiousity are my thing, so I will not pardon myself on account of other people's judgments.
In 2012, I would like to write and draw more. I am taking a drawing class at the college. My VERY FIRST art class at the college. I am excited to learning the basic of drawing so that I can better myself. It's frustrating having an image in your head but being unable to put it on paper.
end/rant

.Alyss.
[First Rant of 2012]