The end of 2013

Since I wrote an end of the year blog last year....I will do so again this year.
Just because I want to.
This year has been a really tough year. Of course, there have been both good times and bad. Just like anyone's life. Mine is my own, but it is not very different.
I have learned many things this year and of course, grown every single day.
My dad was gone most of this year so that really upset me a lot of the time, but I am so proud of him because he is literally making history where he is.
I have done a lot of research this year, developed opinions and theories. Research on anything I was curious about, anything I wondered about.
I got more tattoos. I love tattoos. For some reason, where my tattoos are are the places on my body that I have learned to just love. I love art. My tattoos and their precious meaning can never be stolen by anyone and I wear them like milestones.
I have lost a precious friend this year. Maybe they were never my friend in their mind, but they were always precious in my mind. It took me so long to let them go, but I did. It makes me sad and I do feel incomplete, but you know what I realized that I cannot hold it forever because it will just hurt me. Like a hot coal in your bare hands. I kicked and screamed and cried for my friend to stay, but they found something that left them walking by.
My very good friend joined the Army and has left to Texas for a very long time. I am very happy for her but it always hurts to watch someone you love go. I hold her memories in my heart, so that I may replay them over and over.
It seems with all the things I have battled this year....it only made me build my walls higher and sturdier....
I am a stonewall now. No mercy for anything.
I have battled against the girl in the mirror forever it seems like. Hating myself. Crying instantly most days when I look in the mirror. Why? Why do I do that? I do not understand.
I am not making any resolutions. I don't believe in those. I believe that if you want something done there is no perfect year, or perfect time to wait to do it. Your life is passing you by moment after moment. Don't waste your time waiting for change. Get up and move! Make the change youself. Who cares about NY resolutions. The time is now. Wherever you are, whatever your doing.
I spent a lot of this year filling an entire notebook of story outlines, character descriptions, story prep, and perfect placement. I am hoping to get a move on my writing and into the published world.
I plan on finishing Nursing school.
Who knows?
Maybe things will change. I will see when I get there.
2013 was a upsetting year, a hard year.

The worst thing about it was being called a "pig" and "a fat bitch" and "just look at you, how could someone love you?"
Then at the end of it all being told by someone super close that I am in bad shape for my age and that's just the truth and I need to lose weight.
Thanks. Now let me just go die. or Turn my pain into motivation.
Horrible fucking words. Fuck you. Fuck 2013.

.The Swings.

As long as I can remember,
I would always flee to
The Swings and dangle
On the chains of solitude.
I would fight my sadness
And loneliness by
Trying to fly away the only
Way I knew how to: the swings.

As I drove there,
I'd wonder if I might think of
A great story there,
Or even conjure up a few
Sad poems.
Sad Is all I know.
I would also dream that
You'd be there when I arrived.
Perched silently on a swing,
Next to an empty one.
Just waiting for me as if you
Knew I'd come.
I was always sad when I ran up
To the swings and I
Didn't see you.
I'd swing in the swing and miss you.
Maybe even imagine you were there,
Next to me.
As you were times before.
This feeling falls to
The depths.
To the sand beneath my feet.
Only loneliness.
Only me.

I sit there wrapped in memories.
Playing in my mind like
The movies.
And I swing,
Swing,
And soon hope I'll fly away.
And you'll miss me.

.Screaming In Silence is an Understatement.

Scream.

No one can hear you.

On top of that,

No one wants to.

Don’t you see they’ve

Turn their eyes on you?

Out of sight,

Out of mind.

You’re behind thick glass.

Strike it all you want.

You’ll never have anyone’s attention again.

Out of sight,

Out of mind.

You smash against the glass,

Blood pouring from your mouth.

Fists bloody.

You want to fight.

But something in you just 

Wants to suffer.

So you let it.

Striking the glass again.

And again.

And again.

Until you hear a crack.

Until you watch someone turn

Towards the sound and 

See you.

You think they see you,

But they really see right through you.

Like glass…

You’ve faded into a ghost.

No wonder everyone was seeing through you.

You’re a ghost.

A ghost trapped behind glass.


.Alyss.
11.14.13

.Speak Not.

Speak not.
I might as well not speak.

For my words rise up

In the air and
 
Fall to the ground;
 
Untouched.

No one tilts their head

To listen.

No one dives to catch them.

They just fall;

Silent and remain still.

Like I.

The hurt builds up in my throat.

Choking me ever so silently.

Like my words.

Like my existence.

Silence is like nothing.

But it can be the worse thing you encounter.

Or you may not even notice it..

If you’re lucky.

Speak not.

I shall speak not.

I shall fall like my words
 
And remain still.

Still.

Cold.

Silent.

Speak not.

I will speak not.

.Alyss.
11.14.13