Dear _______,

I suppose now would be a great time to admit "season's change." I hate that analogy beyond belief, but it proved to be true. I miss you more than I can even muster to say. Years ago, I would have spoken my missing out loud, embraced you, never would have let go. Today, a different story plays. I sit in the darkest parts of the room and play the memories out in my head as they come. I try to paint out my feelings, doesn't help. I try to write my feelings; maybe make up a new story to distract me from the ones I have yet to finish, that we have yet to finish to. Sometimes it's really hard to ignore my feelings I feel. I hate emotions. They are leases on me; like chains there to weigh me down. I don't know how to feel sometimes. I feel trapped. Like no one will listen to what I say. Really listen, and care. I am utterly depressed at the moment. I plan on drinking tonight to numb it. I just need to feel okay for a few hours, I feel like I'm ripping at the seams. There was a time when I thought no one would forget me, but now I see I'm as forgotten as the next girl; as the next ANYBODY. I feel sick. I feel used. I feel disgusting. Most of the time I feel sick. I feel stupid. I feel out of place. See...all this FEELING. I don't want to feel. That's all I ever do is feel. Be numb, just for a second. For a second, not give a shit about anyone or anything in the world. distracted, this is me. I am who I am and that will never change. These things, I think and wish. Dear ________, I hate the place you've left me in. The darkness you left me in. I couldn't forgive you easily. It's a joke. Here I stand, in the dark corner of your life. Broken toy.

"I still hang on every word in the world of faded memories where you're still in love with me.
I can see it in your eyes"

.Alyss.

Sir Jestro!

I feel like writing something sexy inspired by Sir Jestro! He is UH-MAY-ZING! I have two favorite writers. Sir Jestro and Hyde.

.Alyss.

Humanoid

Mountain-like glaciers surround me,

Their ice, encasing.

Yet still the flowers bloom from them.

Making a sunset of colors,

Transparent through me.

Shining through me,

Making me a humanoid rainbow.

I see miracles drawn into the sky,

And tears of happiness replenish the earth.

An earth that was once warm, and sunny.

I can see heaven from where I am standing,

But I am cold and it is distant.

Maybe, if I think of memories that make me warm,

I can melt the glaciers and take

My place in the proverbial sun.

Melting me.

Melting the flowers.

If sunsets were fire,

This humanoid rainbow would fly.

.Alyss.

2.7.12

:[

You know what makes me really sad? That no one reads these....
or even knows they exist.
Or even know I exist.
I am invisible.

.Alyss.

I'm gonna just put this here.

I am going to get a little crazy right now because my brim...yeah, it's well spilled over and all over the fucking floor and all over my fucking life. I am so done with school. NO. NOT EVEN DONE WITH SCHOOL, JUST...done being human. Human life is so boring. Our anatomical structure is absolutely breathtaking, but we can't defy gravity, we can become invisible, and we can't fucking teleport. Now someone tell me what the FUCK is up with that shit?! I'll tell you what we can do though: kill unborn children, make war, and fight. Now that's some lameass shit right there. So I know in my heart I won't give up school, but I need some extended break or something. I mean....if I was going to art school or taking creative writing classes....now I would stay in school forever and never complain. Because those are my passions. Yet here I am trying to become a nurse so I can help people who don't deserve it, people who think I owe it to them, people who are sick in the head...just people...People, people, people....such vial, evil creatures, yet to capable of doing good and great things. I am busting my ass so I can help people like that, WHY? Because I am a fucking nurturer, a healer AND because the medical field is the one of few thriving fields with this shit economy. But really, in my world.....I would lie by a beautiful creek in Oregon surrounded by woods and long pastures...and I would just read my books all day, trapped in that world. I would paint all day and write. I know ONLY in a perfect world, right? Right. You know, sometimes I wonder if I will ever become a published author...I'm truly scared to just go for it and put my work out there because I don't want to hear people say it's sad, or dark, or morbid: THAT'S WHY MY STYLE. But let me tell you, I've read some fucking up and disturbing books and I loved them because they were great read. American Psycho. House of Leaves. Haunted. Glamourama. Perfume. All of those books are disturbing as fuck and I had nightmares for a weeks after I read them, but hell it was fun!You're probably wondering what the point of all this blogSPATTER is. Well, it's just me. It's just normal everyday things I think about put into an internet blog and I love every second of it. What am I trying to say? What point am I posing? No one reads my stuff, I know. So I guess I am talking to myself.


.QueenAlyss.

Life at the moment.

It's funny because I will think myself in circles until nothing makes sense. Look at me...I'm up this late drowning myself in music...What else is there to do? What will get this brain to just shut the fuck up? Sometimes I wish I was different, but then I wouldn't be me. I don't know why I wish that, but on the other hand I don't really know what's so special about being me. It's simple. When I am home I am mother and a wife. When I am at work I am the nurse's absolute assistant, providing care to all my patients. When I am at school I am a student, ready with an eager mind; reaching for stability. But when I am alone...and it's just me, like now. Who am I? I don't even know anymore. I have been consumed with my human roles to lead a normal life. I am not me, I am someone reaching for a better me. I am just going to be honest with you, my brain right now....well, nothing makes sense to it except music. MUSIC. Oh music is my savior. All the music I listen to...it's like I have a song for ever feeling. And when I am listening to the music it i feel okay, i feel free. The world isn't so cruel when your heartstrings stretch to a song that just sounds like sex to your ears. hahah, funny way to describe it. Like it feels like my heart sing those songs. Music is outlet, I guess. It's beautiful. It changes people, it brings people together. You know what I say when you've had a shitty day, just blast ALL the songs you want to listen to and just lose yourself in the music. It might help, it may not. Helps me sometimes.

I think I've jumped around and randomly typed enough. I just mean I don't want to lose myself, and sometimes I think i'm slipping away. the end.


.QueenAlyss.