Just forget about, anything I say about it.

I am literally being driven crazy by lack of output. I sit here, in front of the computer, ready to write(I know what I want to write), ready to draw( I've got my ideas set), yet NOTHING even trickles to the surface. Pathetic, I'd say. How will I ever become this important writer, or just person in general if I cannot even do my passion thing without being stopped by these "blocks?" If you would even call it a block. I'm not blocked, I'm like...creativity constipated. That's it! I'm creativity constipated, perhaps I waited to long to let it all out. But still, I'm pissed at my fingers, mouth and brain for not working together properly.
So I am almost positive that I have no friends. Spouses do not count. I have been talking to Sir Jestro lately, but alas he has his own life and doesn't need me bugging him all the time just because I don't have friends. I thought I had found best friend, but she proved to me that she nothing more than all the other "friends" that left me. Seriously, like everyone I get involved in always leaves me or moves away. I know, it's a part of life, but it sucks. I'd like to have one friend, that I could call my own. My first best friend was Baby Dubay. My first musically inclined and obsessed friend. We went to Warped Tour '07 and wrecked shit. We got thrown on top of the crowd, saw IAG on the tiny Hot Topic stage before they were huge, we were even asked by some randon dude if he could kiss our feet because he kisses the feet of pretty girls, apparently, so we let him:] I lost her to high school too...or maybe it was drugs. Probably both. I really miss Megan, she was an awesome friend. We'd write poems and stories together, she'd draw me awesome pictures, we'd laugh. I remember going into the bathrooms in high school before lunch just to hair spray the living shit out of our hair, because we we're friends and damnit we liked big hair. But...her family was in my opinion "religiously insane," just like my sister-in-law and her husband. Jehovah's Witness. Whatever then, more power to them. I told Megan on her 18th birthday I'd save her from her family, and i really was planning on it, but as it got closer to her birthday the more she shrugged the idea off..and then she was just. I never trusted another woman until Alex came around. Alex has the grace of a thousand Russian ballet dancers, and Alex is so beautiful. It always intimidated me being around her. To this day, we are still on good terms, but she moved away to Vegas, and found a great man...she's living her beautiful life and I am okay with that. I really shouldn't be so selfish, wanting attention from someone like that. It's stupid of me..
Is this enough of my friendless ranting? Maybe it's me? Maybe I wasn't meant to have a special friend...maybe I already threw away my opportunity...or maybe, this is karma. Who knows?




.Alyss.

Live Hard.

Sometimes I wonder who I am. Does that make sense? Because who I "am" doesn't fit with who I "am" up there. Does that make sense? Like, maybe I was someone else in another life, or I just haven't figured myself out yet. But by the age of 20 you should know who you are, I think. If maybe perhaps, I was someone else in another life, maybe that life is still with me and I just don't know it. Does this make sense? Does any of it make sense? I should probably just stop trying to make sense of everything. If this was my world, people would kill themselves over trying to make sense of things, because nothing would make sense...and it'd be perfect.
I guess I am acting to wack because I am having a writer's block, really bad. And an artist's block. I can tell when I just need to write something or draw something and I have that overwhelming feeling that I need to write or draw something, but nothing comes out. I have so many ideas floating around in my head that all I need to do is grab it and mold.
Just mold it.
Does that makes sense? To just grab something out of thin air and mold it into your image.
Makes sense to me. I might destroy something beautiful just to let the creativity flow.

Okay, I am going to create something, right now. I'm going to do it. Right now.

Let's Spiral, shall we?

Nothing makes sense to me.
Nothing AT ALL.
The world is a vicious cycle.


Erg.

End of ze world! 2012.

I never thought I would get to live to see 2012. After all, the only way to define 2012 years ago of, the end of the world! Well, if it is the end of the world on whatever day this year, I want to stand on top and watch it fall. I'm ready to go when it is time, but until then...I am really excited about all the new music I will get to hear this year. I love music. It's like another way to speak for me. And not to mention all of the things that I can accomplish this year. 2011 was fun. I lived in my first rental home, and moved into my second home. I became a Nursing Assistant(Now, I never thought I'd reach a goal like that, but I did.) I got married. I lost my job for the first time. I got to watch my son, Mason learn new things. I got an entire year and a half of school done in one year because I busted my ass. In 2011, I also learned the true meaning of "adult stress." Juggling four classes, full-time mom, full-time job(extremely hard and labourous job working in a convelescent home. On the other hand, I can successfully bench press old people.) The only thing I did was really sleep and dream..or nightmare. In 2011, I also lost myself in the midst of this crazy "normal human life" that I must pursure to last in this extremely human world. There's gotta be something more, right? I think that we are living within a dimension within other dimensions. Come one, out human eye can't see everything! Anyway, I experienced some pretty intense psychological stress...but I got through it. It's been really tough trying to pursure my goal of becoming a Nurse. I love school. I love to learn, to flousih. I have given and will continue to give an immense amount of studying to pursue these goals. I wish to become the smartest that I absolutely can be. Right now I am just the Jack of all trades, but a master of none. In 2011, I discovered something new about myself though and that is...that I don't give up. at anything. I finished everything I said I would this year, I pushed through the tough spots without hesitation. I have determination, and that makes me happy because I didn't know mine was so strong until I looked back and saw for myself.
I hope that I can accomplish even more in 2012 than what I did in 2011. 2011 was kind of like placing the stepping stones for me. I have paved my way to success, yes, I did that. And I will still pave it. No one will stand in my way. I will not be walked on. After all, we are all only flesh and blood. We have big mouths for being so easy to kill, I think. I am excited to see what is going to happen in 2012. I can't help but wonder if the Mayan's were right. Wondering and Curiousity are my thing, so I will not pardon myself on account of other people's judgments.
In 2012, I would like to write and draw more. I am taking a drawing class at the college. My VERY FIRST art class at the college. I am excited to learning the basic of drawing so that I can better myself. It's frustrating having an image in your head but being unable to put it on paper.
end/rant

.Alyss.
[First Rant of 2012]